Rethinking the Rules of Love: Ethical Non-Monogamy
By Eva Spijkers, LMFT
What if love didn’t have to follow just one script?
For decades, the dominant relationship model in Western culture has been monogamy—one person, forever. It’s the stuff of fairytales, marriage vows, and social expectations. But like so many “traditional” structures, monogamy often gets treated as the default without much discussion of why—and whether it actually works for everyone.
Enter ethical non-monogamy (ENM), a term that’s steadily gaining visibility as more people seek alternatives to conventional relationship norms. At its core, ENM is the practice of having consensual, non-exclusive relationships—sexually, emotionally, or both—where everyone involved is aware of and agrees to the arrangement. Unlike cheating or infidelity, ENM is based on honesty, communication, and mutual respect. And that distinction matters. ENM is not a free pass to cheat. Cheating is rooted in deception—one person breaking the boundaries of a relationship without the other's knowledge or consent. Ethical non-monogamy is the opposite: it hinges on transparency and mutual agreement. In many ways, it demands more honesty and accountability than traditional relationships, because everyone involved is actively choosing openness and engaging in ongoing conversations about boundaries, desires, and trust.
This isn’t about swinging or open marriages alone (though those are valid too). ENM includes relationship styles like polyamory (loving more than one person), relationship anarchy (where no one relationship is considered “primary” or more legitimate than another), and even solo polyamory, where individuals prioritize autonomy over cohabitation or hierarchy. The unifying thread? Transparency, consent, and ethical care.
And while ENM might sound radical to some, it’s not new. Anthropological research shows that many societies throughout history and across the globe have practiced forms of non-monogamy (Ryan & Jethá, 2010). Even today, studies estimate that one in five Americans has engaged in some form of consensual non-monogamy (Moors et al., 2017). So why do so many people still assume there’s only one “right” way to love?
Part of the problem lies in heteronormativity—the belief that heterosexual, monogamous relationships are the norm and everything else is deviant. This mindset reinforces a narrow script: find “the one,” settle down, and never stray. But for many, that script doesn’t fit. Whether due to mismatched libidos, differing emotional needs, or just a desire for more expansive intimacy, people are increasingly questioning whether monogamy should be a mandate rather than a choice.
What’s striking is that ENM doesn’t necessarily reject monogamy—it simply makes room for alternatives. In fact, exploring ENM can help strengthen communication, foster emotional maturity, and build more intentional connections. When jealousy, insecurity, or fear arise (and they do), people in ENM relationships often work through them collaboratively. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s growth.
So if you're curious about ENM, where do you start?
1. Guidance for a New Framework
Read widely. Books like The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy & Dossie Easton and Polysecure by Jessica Fern provide rich, compassionate frameworks. Podcasts like “Multiamory” or “Normalizing Non-Monogamy” can offer real-life perspectives.
2. Reflect on Your Values
Ask yourself why you’re interested. Is it about freedom? Emotional depth? Sexual exploration? Understanding your motivations helps you set clearer boundaries and avoid hurting others.
3. Practice Radical Communication
Honesty is the bedrock of ENM. That means talking openly about needs, insecurities, and boundaries—and listening without defensiveness. This can be really hard for those of us who tend to shy away from conflict or fear hurting other people’s feelings. ENM demands a level of emotional intelligence and transparency that can feel intense, but it's often deeply rewarding.
4. Expect to Deconstruct Norms
Many people enter ENM with baggage from monogamous, heteronormative culture: ideas about jealousy, possessiveness, or the idea that one person should meet all your needs. Be prepared to unlearn and rethink. If you begin exploring ENM, don’t be surprised if your friends, family, or even coworkers express confusion, judgment, or concern. People might assume you’re afraid of commitment, that your relationship is doomed, or that you’re just looking for an excuse to cheat. Some might even treat your choices as a threat to their own values—because, in a society so anchored in monogamy, choosing something else can feel like breaking a sacred rule. These reactions can hurt. They might make you question yourself. But they’re also a reminder of how rigid our cultural scripts are—and how much courage it takes to live outside them.
5. Build Community
You're not alone in your desire for more. There are support groups, online forums, and meet-ups in most major cities where you can find others navigating similar paths. Community helps normalize your experience and provides valuable guidance.
Choosing ENM isn’t about being “more evolved” or rejecting love—it’s about expanding it. It’s about allowing ourselves to dream up relationships that are rooted in consent, care, and honesty, rather than obligation and fear.
We live in a time when more people than ever are questioning outdated systems—from the workplace to gender to marriage. Why not relationships too? ENM won’t be for everyone, but for those who are curious, it offers a liberating reimagining of how we connect, love, and grow.
The truth is, your relationship structure doesn’t need to make sense to everyone else. What matters is that it’s honest, consensual, and fulfilling for you and your partners. And in time, your openness might even create space for others to rethink their own assumptions about love, too. After all, love was never meant to be one-size-fits-all.
References
Easton, D., & Hardy, J. (2017). The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures (3rd ed.). Ten Speed Press.
Fern, J. (2020). Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Thorntree Press.
Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., Ziegler, A., Rubin, J. D., & Conley, T. D. (2017). Consensual non-monogamy: Psychological well-being and relationship quality correlates. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 34(4), 569–591. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407515617841
Ryan, C., & Jethá, C. (2010). Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships. Harper.